[ There's a quiet huff and a smile, a little too dry to be amused. Of course that's the first place Steve'd go. ] That, uh. It's a little bit of a long answer, so bear with me. [ But he's gonna answer it, of course he is. He'd promised. ]
They wanted us to have oversight. Not a bad idea, you know, someone's gotta call the shots, but the shit they wanted us to sign, to agree to - we didn't act without their say-so, we went where ever they told us to, no questions. It was Hydra and SHIELD all over again, with just who was making the request.
[ From people who thought nuking all of New York City was a viable option back when the Chitauri attacked, with guys heading the task force who talked about people as though they were weapons and hunted them down the same, who laughed at the idea of everyone having rights. ]
We didn't sign. There was a threat, and they didn't listen. And yeah, it was personal, but after everything you'd think they'd have a little bit of respect for- [ He cuts off, because there's a whole lot of shit wrapped up there that he doesn't want to get into, and he pulls in a breath and lets it out. ] We went anyway, and they sent the half of our team that had signed to stop us, to bring us in. We didn't go peaceful.
[ There's a trickle of guilt regret determination that he pushes aside by choosing not to go into specifics about anything that'd happened at the airport. ] You tried to get us all out, but it wasn't happening. You and Barnes were our best chance, so I told you to keep going, that the rest of us weren't gonna make it out of there. We didn't, and then we got to find out what it meant that the shit they wanted us to sign didn't specify what would happen to anyone who went against their orders.
[ Sam's done a reasonable job of keeping his emotions to himself so far, aside from obvious difficulty talking about it and the brief traces from before, but it's everything after this that gets to him. He hasn't sorted out pretty much any of his feelings around it, and he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to think about Stark promising that he was going to go as a friend and looking at what he'd done to Steve and Bucky afterward, knowing that Sam was the one who sent him there; or hushed conversations with Clint while Wanda was practically catatonic and Scott had had no idea what he was getting into; the betrayal in Clint's eyes after Stark tossed out the secret Clint had spent years keeping to protect his family.
But most importantly, he doesn't want to tell Steve what'd happened, because he doesn't want to say anything remotely resembling the words I was in prison. And for maybe the first time since he'd first gotten here, he cracks. The memories he can keep to himself, but the emotions he can't. There's a swirl of bitterness, a bone-deep resignation and a simmering undercurrent of anger that pour out from him as he sags back against the desk, more focused on taking a moment to get his shit together than saying anything else. ]
no subject
They wanted us to have oversight. Not a bad idea, you know, someone's gotta call the shots, but the shit they wanted us to sign, to agree to - we didn't act without their say-so, we went where ever they told us to, no questions. It was Hydra and SHIELD all over again, with just who was making the request.
[ From people who thought nuking all of New York City was a viable option back when the Chitauri attacked, with guys heading the task force who talked about people as though they were weapons and hunted them down the same, who laughed at the idea of everyone having rights. ]
We didn't sign. There was a threat, and they didn't listen. And yeah, it was personal, but after everything you'd think they'd have a little bit of respect for- [ He cuts off, because there's a whole lot of shit wrapped up there that he doesn't want to get into, and he pulls in a breath and lets it out. ] We went anyway, and they sent the half of our team that had signed to stop us, to bring us in. We didn't go peaceful.
[ There's a trickle of guilt regret determination that he pushes aside by choosing not to go into specifics about anything that'd happened at the airport. ] You tried to get us all out, but it wasn't happening. You and Barnes were our best chance, so I told you to keep going, that the rest of us weren't gonna make it out of there. We didn't, and then we got to find out what it meant that the shit they wanted us to sign didn't specify what would happen to anyone who went against their orders.
[ Sam's done a reasonable job of keeping his emotions to himself so far, aside from obvious difficulty talking about it and the brief traces from before, but it's everything after this that gets to him. He hasn't sorted out pretty much any of his feelings around it, and he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to think about Stark promising that he was going to go as a friend and looking at what he'd done to Steve and Bucky afterward, knowing that Sam was the one who sent him there; or hushed conversations with Clint while Wanda was practically catatonic and Scott had had no idea what he was getting into; the betrayal in Clint's eyes after Stark tossed out the secret Clint had spent years keeping to protect his family.
But most importantly, he doesn't want to tell Steve what'd happened, because he doesn't want to say anything remotely resembling the words I was in prison. And for maybe the first time since he'd first gotten here, he cracks. The memories he can keep to himself, but the emotions he can't. There's a swirl of bitterness, a bone-deep resignation and a simmering undercurrent of anger that pour out from him as he sags back against the desk, more focused on taking a moment to get his shit together than saying anything else. ]