![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
[ Petre hadn't, somehow. More to do with jealousy probably than sparing Steve's pride, quite undoubtedly. At least from the look on her face, it comes as a surprise. ]
You draw? [ Bubbling with it. ] Can I see? What do you draw with? [ Babbling like she does - twenty questions at once until she realises she hasn't answered his. ] Yes, of course, I can right now, if you like?
You draw? [ Bubbling with it. ] Can I see? What do you draw with? [ Babbling like she does - twenty questions at once until she realises she hasn't answered his. ] Yes, of course, I can right now, if you like?
Edited (same icon 2 many times) 2016-11-08 01:55 (UTC)
[ The deluge of questions has him blinking as his brain catches up. ]
Oh, yeah - [ He turns to the desk, moving out of the way to pull out a sketchbook and charcoal pencil. ] Mostly this, but I did painting back home. Mostly posters and stuff like that. [ All for local businesses, nothing too impressive. He glances over at her, holding th sketchbook close for a moment before offering it over. ] Here.
[ He'll take a step back if she takes it, shoving his hands in his pockets. There's a few sketches of her in there, some of Ilde, Bucky and Sam too in between Concordian cityscapes. The latter appears to be done from reference, while the portraits all have much less detail. ]
Oh, yeah - [ He turns to the desk, moving out of the way to pull out a sketchbook and charcoal pencil. ] Mostly this, but I did painting back home. Mostly posters and stuff like that. [ All for local businesses, nothing too impressive. He glances over at her, holding th sketchbook close for a moment before offering it over. ] Here.
[ He'll take a step back if she takes it, shoving his hands in his pockets. There's a few sketches of her in there, some of Ilde, Bucky and Sam too in between Concordian cityscapes. The latter appears to be done from reference, while the portraits all have much less detail. ]
[ When Bucky’s absence had sent Sam briefly reeling, he’d had Clint to shove him back into place - and he hadn't known if Steve would be okay with Sam looking to him. He still doesn't know, really, but Steve’d said he'd be there if Sam needed him, so he lets himself reach out. There's an attempt at a quiet nudge, the way Sam usually gives a mental knock before attempting a deeper connection. This time he fails, and the brush of his mind against Steve’s is accompanied by a jumbled sense of distress and loss. ]
( Steve? )
( Steve? )
( Yeah - I'm here. )
[ His reply is more distant than usual, Sam's knock answered with only the barest connection, little more than a pinhole. He's holding back. It's only through a closer look that Sam might sense the loss, a sinkhole. ]
[ His reply is more distant than usual, Sam's knock answered with only the barest connection, little more than a pinhole. He's holding back. It's only through a closer look that Sam might sense the loss, a sinkhole. ]
[ The distance might normally make Sam back off a little, re-evaluate, but he's not doing so well right now. He presses closer until the sense of Steve's loss resonating with his own snaps him out of it. Sam doesn't retreat, but there's the feeling of a shaky inhale and exhale, an unsuccessful attempt to sort his own mind out before he haphazardly pushes it aside. ]
( Bad time? )
( Bad time? )
[ The press of Sam's mind finds only a moment of resistance, a flicker of surprise gives way to his answer: ] ( No. )
[ A pause. Restructuring, like a spotlight moving: the empty space where Jessica had once slipped away, the place where Anakin had been violently torn out. Hollow places, but they aren't so gaping as the place Sam Anders had more recently held. Steve can weather this, Sam doesn't need to worry about him on top of everything else - ]
( Where are you? ) [ He'll go there. ]
[ A pause. Restructuring, like a spotlight moving: the empty space where Jessica had once slipped away, the place where Anakin had been violently torn out. Hollow places, but they aren't so gaping as the place Sam Anders had more recently held. Steve can weather this, Sam doesn't need to worry about him on top of everything else - ]
( Where are you? ) [ He'll go there. ]
[ There's a feeling like a hitch in his chest, already not quite steady breathing disrupted. So much damn emptiness, half of Steve's brood and a third of Sam's - Clint - and Sam's trying to do the same damn thing Steve is. Would it help both of them to try to be strong for the other, he wonders, or is it gonna make things worse? He doesn't have an answer for that, but he can respond to Steve's question. ]
( The room where Clint and I've been staying. ) [ There's a tangle of feelings that accompany that, you don't have to but Sam means both 'come here' and 'do this alone,' and it comes along with we can carry this together. ]
( The room where Clint and I've been staying. ) [ There's a tangle of feelings that accompany that, you don't have to but Sam means both 'come here' and 'do this alone,' and it comes along with we can carry this together. ]
[ Something like a nod, the sense that he'll be there soon as his mind closes up back to that pinhole of an opening. There's no shutting Sam out - not because he can't. It's still Steve's instinct to turn inward, to assure the people around him that he can carry any weight on his own. It's an instinct that gives him something to fight (that isn't the floor dropping out beneath his feet) as he walks down the hall.
If Sam wants him there, he can be there.
His hand presses against the doorframe for a second before he knocks. ]
It's me.
If Sam wants him there, he can be there.
His hand presses against the doorframe for a second before he knocks. ]
It's me.
[ It’s an instinct both he and Steve have in common, though Sam has a couple of years of therapy under his belt and the memory of a couple of coworkers who’d call him on his shit now and then. He tries to hold on to that, but it's harder when he knows what Steve is trying bear on his own.
At least he's not shutting Sam out completely, and Sam holds onto that. If one of them is gonna have to be the first to open up here, Sam can be okay with that being him. He can.
He knows grief is lessened when it's shared.
He opens the door almost immediately, just enough to let Steve in before he closes it again. It's obvious that he hasn’t slept - and just as obvious that Clint is out, carefully placed on the bed in the room. ]
Thought I'd been gearing myself up for something like this, but I was wrong.
At least he's not shutting Sam out completely, and Sam holds onto that. If one of them is gonna have to be the first to open up here, Sam can be okay with that being him. He can.
He knows grief is lessened when it's shared.
He opens the door almost immediately, just enough to let Steve in before he closes it again. It's obvious that he hasn’t slept - and just as obvious that Clint is out, carefully placed on the bed in the room. ]
Thought I'd been gearing myself up for something like this, but I was wrong.
[ She's so very eager, as she takes the book, stepping into the room and walking that little bit further in her ridiculous dress. Smiling as she turns over each page, careful, slowly. She admires each thing in turn. ]
It's beautiful, you're so talented. [ Stops, on one of Sam, smiling as she traces the line of his hair, then stops again at Ilde, tracing her cheek. Something so special to it in how he makes those lines, the shapes and shades. How he sees the world, somewhat, in it. ] You draw a lot, huh? I wish I could see the other things you did. [ Looks up at him, smiling again. ] They're really, really good.
It's beautiful, you're so talented. [ Stops, on one of Sam, smiling as she traces the line of his hair, then stops again at Ilde, tracing her cheek. Something so special to it in how he makes those lines, the shapes and shades. How he sees the world, somewhat, in it. ] You draw a lot, huh? I wish I could see the other things you did. [ Looks up at him, smiling again. ] They're really, really good.
[ Art was work - if he were a proper artist he'd probably be doing more in his spare time. These days it's closer to hobby, or a record of their time. It's all sketchy lines to him after staring at them too long, half finished impressions and cartoonish angles from not sitting and staring straight at the paper. ]
Thanks. [ He can't help smiling back at her, though he glances down after that, his head tilting. ] Did you - do you have time to sit now?
[ When he'd blurted out the offer and she'd accepted. ]
Thanks. [ He can't help smiling back at her, though he glances down after that, his head tilting. ] Did you - do you have time to sit now?
[ When he'd blurted out the offer and she'd accepted. ]
[ First time he's seen Sam like this. Steve steps inside, finding a place to stand near the desk as his gaze falls on the sleeping figure in the bed. ]
Don't think there's much preparing for this. [ His mouth twists to one side and he looks away, arms crossing over his chest. ] I asked the Prince about why they... go out like this. He said it's something to do with the connection between us and the symbiote going bad. [ His gaze lifts again to where Clint's resting. Side effects. There's usually a difference between the the temporary sleep and the more permanent kind, the one that gets you sent back to the Station. The people in the sleeper's brood could more easily tell when it first started to happen, that sense of something fading.
That's how he could tell with Sam Anders. ]
Don't think there's much preparing for this. [ His mouth twists to one side and he looks away, arms crossing over his chest. ] I asked the Prince about why they... go out like this. He said it's something to do with the connection between us and the symbiote going bad. [ His gaze lifts again to where Clint's resting. Side effects. There's usually a difference between the the temporary sleep and the more permanent kind, the one that gets you sent back to the Station. The people in the sleeper's brood could more easily tell when it first started to happen, that sense of something fading.
That's how he could tell with Sam Anders. ]
[ One she's still happy to do, and she nods. ] Sure, where do you want me to sit? Do I have to do anything?
[ What does it entail??? Is this going to be that scene from the Titanic??? ]
[ What does it entail??? Is this going to be that scene from the Titanic??? ]
[ GOOD THING NEITHER OF THEM HAVE SEEN THAT? He's quick to shake his head. ]
No - only thing you gotta do is sit, however you're most comfortable. [ Bed, chair - he moves out of the way. ]
No - only thing you gotta do is sit, however you're most comfortable. [ Bed, chair - he moves out of the way. ]
[ IT PROBABLY EXISTS ON PANDORA, BUT EVERYONE GOT EATEN BY CANNIBALS AT THE END INSTEAD. ]
Right, okay.
[ She goes to the bed, though her intentions are innocent. Mostly because the dress takes up too much space, and it's easier to settle on the bed in a way that's comfortable to her with it. She gathers up the skirts again and sits on the edge to push herself back so she can curl her legs under her. Fussing for a second, before she looks up at him. Her hands settled in her lap, her skirts draped to the side. ] Is this okay?
Right, okay.
[ She goes to the bed, though her intentions are innocent. Mostly because the dress takes up too much space, and it's easier to settle on the bed in a way that's comfortable to her with it. She gathers up the skirts again and sits on the edge to push herself back so she can curl her legs under her. Fussing for a second, before she looks up at him. Her hands settled in her lap, her skirts draped to the side. ] Is this okay?
[ Oh - he smiles as she shuffles around with her skirts, averting his gaze to grab the desk chair and get himself settled. ]
Yeah - [ glancing up again before he sits down, eyebrows raised ] - you sure you won't wrinkle your dress?
Yeah - [ glancing up again before he sits down, eyebrows raised ] - you sure you won't wrinkle your dress?
[ There should be. As soon as Sam'd figured out what having a brood meant, what being connected to people on that level might set him up for, he'd told himself to be on his guard. He knows what his triggers are, knows how shit he's been at handling loss in the past, and he'd needed to be ready. Odds were that he was gonna lose one of them. Which is a hell of a lot more of a pessimistic view than he usually has, Sam knows that, too. He figures at least it's better than his outlook before he met Steve, back when he'd been determined to never get attached to anyone like he had to Riley.
None of that's helping him now, though, and he doesn't want to think too much about it and risk it spilling over the mental connection more than it already is. It's easier to focus on the why, even if it's unsettling, and Sam doesn't bother to hide his grimace. ]
A bad connection, shit. If I had to do it all over again, I'd make the same call - but damn, I don't like this symbiote crap.
None of that's helping him now, though, and he doesn't want to think too much about it and risk it spilling over the mental connection more than it already is. It's easier to focus on the why, even if it's unsettling, and Sam doesn't bother to hide his grimace. ]
A bad connection, shit. If I had to do it all over again, I'd make the same call - but damn, I don't like this symbiote crap.
[ He closes his eyes, letting out a quiet breath through his nose, a wry twist to his mouth. ]
Not much time to think about the side effects when you're facing down death. [ They all chose to survive. His expression darkens, any faint trace of humor evaporating with it. ] The thing that came after me, I watched it tear through an guy like he was made outta paper. If this is what it takes to fight something like that -
[ He tips his head to one side. ]
Not much time to think about the side effects when you're facing down death. [ They all chose to survive. His expression darkens, any faint trace of humor evaporating with it. ] The thing that came after me, I watched it tear through an guy like he was made outta paper. If this is what it takes to fight something like that -
[ He tips his head to one side. ]
Depends on the kind of death you're facing down.
[ But there's a note of agreement there before, like Steve, the wry humor fades. There've been so many times when Sam expected to die, or should have died, and he'd fought to survive damn near all of them. It'd never really been a question.
When Steve puts it like that, it's... well, Sam still likes it better when he's the one making the sacrifice plays, but it's not like Clint wasn't right there with him and the others the last time he'd called one. They'd all made the choice to come here, and Sam does his best to remind himself of that, think of it as a side effect to a choice and not a loss.
He's not sure how successful he is. ]
It would've taken out my whole team, and kept going. If this is what it takes to save them, to stop it, then this is what it takes. [ There's a pause, as he pulls in a breath and lets it out, before he asks quietly; ] How do you handle it?
[ But there's a note of agreement there before, like Steve, the wry humor fades. There've been so many times when Sam expected to die, or should have died, and he'd fought to survive damn near all of them. It'd never really been a question.
When Steve puts it like that, it's... well, Sam still likes it better when he's the one making the sacrifice plays, but it's not like Clint wasn't right there with him and the others the last time he'd called one. They'd all made the choice to come here, and Sam does his best to remind himself of that, think of it as a side effect to a choice and not a loss.
He's not sure how successful he is. ]
It would've taken out my whole team, and kept going. If this is what it takes to save them, to stop it, then this is what it takes. [ There's a pause, as he pulls in a breath and lets it out, before he asks quietly; ] How do you handle it?
[Waking up is always a bit of a challenge for Bucky. Too many bad wake up calls over seventy years leaves sleep low on the priority list. Since regaining consciousness from his coma a handful of days ago, his working memory has finally started kicking back into place, including pieces of his fight with Sam in his room, the consequent promise, and of course the challenge coin.
Sam's missing his now, since giving it to Bucky as a grounding tool, and Bucky wants to remedy that, so he reaches out to Steve. He tugs on his link with Steve, a bit clumsy, but still the rough equivalent of a knock on the door.]
( Busy? )
Sam's missing his now, since giving it to Bucky as a grounding tool, and Bucky wants to remedy that, so he reaches out to Steve. He tugs on his link with Steve, a bit clumsy, but still the rough equivalent of a knock on the door.]
( Busy? )
[ There's always a choice, one way or another. He stares down at the floor again, taking a moment to piece together his reply. ]
I feel like hell for a few days, then I move on. [ A slight wince. ] I know - I know it sounds awful, but digging that hole any deeper won't help bring them back and - [ a pause ] - the pain of it? All that... unnatural stuff in your head? It fades on its own with time.
[ He looks up again, half expecting Sam to be looking back at him with judgment, but he keeps his gaze steady. ] Maybe one day we'll figure out how to fix the connection and wake them up again. Right now, the best I can do is keep going. Make sure they'll be able to go home one day. [ By fighting the enemy. ]
I feel like hell for a few days, then I move on. [ A slight wince. ] I know - I know it sounds awful, but digging that hole any deeper won't help bring them back and - [ a pause ] - the pain of it? All that... unnatural stuff in your head? It fades on its own with time.
[ He looks up again, half expecting Sam to be looking back at him with judgment, but he keeps his gaze steady. ] Maybe one day we'll figure out how to fix the connection and wake them up again. Right now, the best I can do is keep going. Make sure they'll be able to go home one day. [ By fighting the enemy. ]
[ A flicker of surprise that's quick to even out, meeting the contact with an easy welcome. ]
( Nope. ) [ There's a wordless explanation, a sense of place - he's in the living area flipping through the news on the screen. ] ( Need something? )
( Nope. ) [ There's a wordless explanation, a sense of place - he's in the living area flipping through the news on the screen. ] ( Need something? )
[Bucky's still not entirely comfortable with the whole talking in the brain thing, so he'll follow the line of Steve's link to the living room. He's dressed like he's about to go somewhere, hair tucked up under a hat, left sleeve pinned. To top it all off, he's actually showered.]
Lookin' for a coin. Know where we can get one? [Half a smirk.] I'll buy us hot dogs after.
Lookin' for a coin. Know where we can get one? [Half a smirk.] I'll buy us hot dogs after.
[ As easy as the mental link makes passing information, he's less than bothered about the switch to normal conversation. As Bucky approaches Steve stands up from where he's seated on the couch, taking in his friend's groomed appearance. He returns the smirk with a lopsided grin. ]
Sounds fair. [ Bucky comes to him with this deal knowing full well how many hot dogs Steve can put away. He glances up, brow pinched as he thinks. ] We should head to the flea markets. [ They might luck out there. Coins are kind of a rarity in a place that mostly uses digital currency. People consider it a hassle.
Tipping his head toward the door he starts walking over to grab his coat from where it's hanging. ]
Sounds fair. [ Bucky comes to him with this deal knowing full well how many hot dogs Steve can put away. He glances up, brow pinched as he thinks. ] We should head to the flea markets. [ They might luck out there. Coins are kind of a rarity in a place that mostly uses digital currency. People consider it a hassle.
Tipping his head toward the door he starts walking over to grab his coat from where it's hanging. ]
[ There's no judgment on Sam's end, just a faint hint of relief that the shit going on in his head and making it worse is gonna fade over time. It sucks, but he could deal with it on his own, he thinks, if it weren't for the way all of their faded connections make him feel nearly as empty as he had back in his bad days. ]
Nah, man, it actually sounds pretty healthy. You let yourself feel it for a little bit, acknowledge the loss, and then you keep going. It's better than pretending like it don't mean anything at all, like everything's fine and keep pushing on until you break - and it's better than letting yourself wallow, forgetting that the world goes on and there's still things you gotta fight for.
[ Sam's done a little too much of both, in his time. And honestly, he's not sure if what Steve's doing right now is really finding that balance or if it's leaning a little too much into the former one - Lord knows the Steve that Sam knew back home was so damn prone to it - but it sounds good, and it's the reminder that Sam needed.
He pulls in a shaky breath, shooting Steve a tiny, sad smile. ]
You stuck in the 'feel like hell' part right now, too?
Nah, man, it actually sounds pretty healthy. You let yourself feel it for a little bit, acknowledge the loss, and then you keep going. It's better than pretending like it don't mean anything at all, like everything's fine and keep pushing on until you break - and it's better than letting yourself wallow, forgetting that the world goes on and there's still things you gotta fight for.
[ Sam's done a little too much of both, in his time. And honestly, he's not sure if what Steve's doing right now is really finding that balance or if it's leaning a little too much into the former one - Lord knows the Steve that Sam knew back home was so damn prone to it - but it sounds good, and it's the reminder that Sam needed.
He pulls in a shaky breath, shooting Steve a tiny, sad smile. ]
You stuck in the 'feel like hell' part right now, too?
Page 11 of 16