[ The distance might normally make Sam back off a little, re-evaluate, but he's not doing so well right now. He presses closer until the sense of Steve's loss resonating with his own snaps him out of it. Sam doesn't retreat, but there's the feeling of a shaky inhale and exhale, an unsuccessful attempt to sort his own mind out before he haphazardly pushes it aside. ]
[ The press of Sam's mind finds only a moment of resistance, a flicker of surprise gives way to his answer: ] (No.)
[ A pause. Restructuring, like a spotlight moving: the empty space where Jessica had once slipped away, the place where Anakin had been violently torn out. Hollow places, but they aren't so gaping as the place Sam Anders had more recently held. Steve can weather this, Sam doesn't need to worry about him on top of everything else - ]
[ There's a feeling like a hitch in his chest, already not quite steady breathing disrupted. So much damn emptiness, half of Steve's brood and a third of Sam's - Clint - and Sam's trying to do the same damn thing Steve is. Would it help both of them to try to be strong for the other, he wonders, or is it gonna make things worse? He doesn't have an answer for that, but he can respond to Steve's question. ]
(The room where Clint and I've been staying. ) [ There's a tangle of feelings that accompany that, you don't have to but Sam means both 'come here' and 'do this alone,' and it comes along with we can carry this together. ]
[ Something like a nod, the sense that he'll be there soon as his mind closes up back to that pinhole of an opening. There's no shutting Sam out - not because he can't. It's still Steve's instinct to turn inward, to assure the people around him that he can carry any weight on his own. It's an instinct that gives him something to fight (that isn't the floor dropping out beneath his feet) as he walks down the hall.
If Sam wants him there, he can be there.
His hand presses against the doorframe for a second before he knocks. ]
[ It’s an instinct both he and Steve have in common, though Sam has a couple of years of therapy under his belt and the memory of a couple of coworkers who’d call him on his shit now and then. He tries to hold on to that, but it's harder when he knows what Steve is trying bear on his own.
At least he's not shutting Sam out completely, and Sam holds onto that. If one of them is gonna have to be the first to open up here, Sam can be okay with that being him. He can.
He knows grief is lessened when it's shared.
He opens the door almost immediately, just enough to let Steve in before he closes it again. It's obvious that he hasn’t slept - and just as obvious that Clint is out, carefully placed on the bed in the room. ]
Thought I'd been gearing myself up for something like this, but I was wrong.
[ First time he's seen Sam like this. Steve steps inside, finding a place to stand near the desk as his gaze falls on the sleeping figure in the bed. ]
Don't think there's much preparing for this. [ His mouth twists to one side and he looks away, arms crossing over his chest. ] I asked the Prince about why they... go out like this. He said it's something to do with the connection between us and the symbiote going bad. [ His gaze lifts again to where Clint's resting. Side effects. There's usually a difference between the the temporary sleep and the more permanent kind, the one that gets you sent back to the Station. The people in the sleeper's brood could more easily tell when it first started to happen, that sense of something fading.
[ There should be. As soon as Sam'd figured out what having a brood meant, what being connected to people on that level might set him up for, he'd told himself to be on his guard. He knows what his triggers are, knows how shit he's been at handling loss in the past, and he'd needed to be ready. Odds were that he was gonna lose one of them. Which is a hell of a lot more of a pessimistic view than he usually has, Sam knows that, too. He figures at least it's better than his outlook before he met Steve, back when he'd been determined to never get attached to anyone like he had to Riley.
None of that's helping him now, though, and he doesn't want to think too much about it and risk it spilling over the mental connection more than it already is. It's easier to focus on the why, even if it's unsettling, and Sam doesn't bother to hide his grimace. ]
A bad connection, shit. If I had to do it all over again, I'd make the same call - but damn, I don't like this symbiote crap.
[ He closes his eyes, letting out a quiet breath through his nose, a wry twist to his mouth. ]
Not much time to think about the side effects when you're facing down death. [ They all chose to survive. His expression darkens, any faint trace of humor evaporating with it. ] The thing that came after me, I watched it tear through an guy like he was made outta paper. If this is what it takes to fight something like that -
[ But there's a note of agreement there before, like Steve, the wry humor fades. There've been so many times when Sam expected to die, or should have died, and he'd fought to survive damn near all of them. It'd never really been a question.
When Steve puts it like that, it's... well, Sam still likes it better when he's the one making the sacrifice plays, but it's not like Clint wasn't right there with him and the others the last time he'd called one. They'd all made the choice to come here, and Sam does his best to remind himself of that, think of it as a side effect to a choice and not a loss.
He's not sure how successful he is. ]
It would've taken out my whole team, and kept going. If this is what it takes to save them, to stop it, then this is what it takes. [ There's a pause, as he pulls in a breath and lets it out, before he asks quietly; ] How do you handle it?
[ There's always a choice, one way or another. He stares down at the floor again, taking a moment to piece together his reply. ]
I feel like hell for a few days, then I move on. [ A slight wince. ] I know - I know it sounds awful, but digging that hole any deeper won't help bring them back and - [ a pause ] - the pain of it? All that... unnatural stuff in your head? It fades on its own with time.
[ He looks up again, half expecting Sam to be looking back at him with judgment, but he keeps his gaze steady. ] Maybe one day we'll figure out how to fix the connection and wake them up again. Right now, the best I can do is keep going. Make sure they'll be able to go home one day. [ By fighting the enemy. ]
[ There's no judgment on Sam's end, just a faint hint of relief that the shit going on in his head and making it worse is gonna fade over time. It sucks, but he could deal with it on his own, he thinks, if it weren't for the way all of their faded connections make him feel nearly as empty as he had back in his bad days. ]
Nah, man, it actually sounds pretty healthy. You let yourself feel it for a little bit, acknowledge the loss, and then you keep going. It's better than pretending like it don't mean anything at all, like everything's fine and keep pushing on until you break - and it's better than letting yourself wallow, forgetting that the world goes on and there's still things you gotta fight for.
[ Sam's done a little too much of both, in his time. And honestly, he's not sure if what Steve's doing right now is really finding that balance or if it's leaning a little too much into the former one - Lord knows the Steve that Sam knew back home was so damn prone to it - but it sounds good, and it's the reminder that Sam needed.
He pulls in a shaky breath, shooting Steve a tiny, sad smile. ]
You stuck in the 'feel like hell' part right now, too?
[ It's a relief that's matched by Steve, his brand of coping doesn't often fly with his own broodmates, let alone some of the other hosts. Someone like Parker would berate him for trying to say any of this mattered. One, two or even a dozen bad attitudes would never change his mind, but still - add this to his list of reasons why he really appreciates having Sam Wilson around.
A short nod, the smile matched as well. He shakes his head, looking down with furrowed brows for a short moment. ]
... you feel like getting outta here for a bit? [ Glancing up again, his head tilted. As much as you can try to comfort your broodmates, it gets to the point where you're only echoing grief back and forth. He could use an hour or two to surface from those murky waters where you can't tell whose pain belongs to which person. ]
[ Yeah, well. Sam could say a lot about the coping techniques of the rest of the Hosts - and he definitely has, and probably well again - but now's not the time. It feels good, knowing he and Steve are of a similar opinion here, even if the subject matter isn't the best.
Still, his relief grows a little at Steve's suggestion. ]
Hell yeah, sound pretty damn good right now. [ Sam's already been in touch with his broodmates - but it's just his two teenagers now, with Bucky and Gio out and Parker so damn determined to cut herself off from them, and Sam hates bleeding on them. He could use a little distance. ] Got anywhere in mind?
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( Bad time? )
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[ A pause. Restructuring, like a spotlight moving: the empty space where Jessica had once slipped away, the place where Anakin had been violently torn out. Hollow places, but they aren't so gaping as the place Sam Anders had more recently held. Steve can weather this, Sam doesn't need to worry about him on top of everything else - ]
( Where are you? ) [ He'll go there. ]
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( The room where Clint and I've been staying. ) [ There's a tangle of feelings that accompany that, you don't have to but Sam means both 'come here' and 'do this alone,' and it comes along with we can carry this together. ]
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If Sam wants him there, he can be there.
His hand presses against the doorframe for a second before he knocks. ]
It's me.
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At least he's not shutting Sam out completely, and Sam holds onto that. If one of them is gonna have to be the first to open up here, Sam can be okay with that being him. He can.
He knows grief is lessened when it's shared.
He opens the door almost immediately, just enough to let Steve in before he closes it again. It's obvious that he hasn’t slept - and just as obvious that Clint is out, carefully placed on the bed in the room. ]
Thought I'd been gearing myself up for something like this, but I was wrong.
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Don't think there's much preparing for this. [ His mouth twists to one side and he looks away, arms crossing over his chest. ] I asked the Prince about why they... go out like this. He said it's something to do with the connection between us and the symbiote going bad. [ His gaze lifts again to where Clint's resting. Side effects. There's usually a difference between the the temporary sleep and the more permanent kind, the one that gets you sent back to the Station. The people in the sleeper's brood could more easily tell when it first started to happen, that sense of something fading.
That's how he could tell with Sam Anders. ]
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None of that's helping him now, though, and he doesn't want to think too much about it and risk it spilling over the mental connection more than it already is. It's easier to focus on the why, even if it's unsettling, and Sam doesn't bother to hide his grimace. ]
A bad connection, shit. If I had to do it all over again, I'd make the same call - but damn, I don't like this symbiote crap.
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Not much time to think about the side effects when you're facing down death. [ They all chose to survive. His expression darkens, any faint trace of humor evaporating with it. ] The thing that came after me, I watched it tear through an guy like he was made outta paper. If this is what it takes to fight something like that -
[ He tips his head to one side. ]
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[ But there's a note of agreement there before, like Steve, the wry humor fades. There've been so many times when Sam expected to die, or should have died, and he'd fought to survive damn near all of them. It'd never really been a question.
When Steve puts it like that, it's... well, Sam still likes it better when he's the one making the sacrifice plays, but it's not like Clint wasn't right there with him and the others the last time he'd called one. They'd all made the choice to come here, and Sam does his best to remind himself of that, think of it as a side effect to a choice and not a loss.
He's not sure how successful he is. ]
It would've taken out my whole team, and kept going. If this is what it takes to save them, to stop it, then this is what it takes. [ There's a pause, as he pulls in a breath and lets it out, before he asks quietly; ] How do you handle it?
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I feel like hell for a few days, then I move on. [ A slight wince. ] I know - I know it sounds awful, but digging that hole any deeper won't help bring them back and - [ a pause ] - the pain of it? All that... unnatural stuff in your head? It fades on its own with time.
[ He looks up again, half expecting Sam to be looking back at him with judgment, but he keeps his gaze steady. ] Maybe one day we'll figure out how to fix the connection and wake them up again. Right now, the best I can do is keep going. Make sure they'll be able to go home one day. [ By fighting the enemy. ]
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Nah, man, it actually sounds pretty healthy. You let yourself feel it for a little bit, acknowledge the loss, and then you keep going. It's better than pretending like it don't mean anything at all, like everything's fine and keep pushing on until you break - and it's better than letting yourself wallow, forgetting that the world goes on and there's still things you gotta fight for.
[ Sam's done a little too much of both, in his time. And honestly, he's not sure if what Steve's doing right now is really finding that balance or if it's leaning a little too much into the former one - Lord knows the Steve that Sam knew back home was so damn prone to it - but it sounds good, and it's the reminder that Sam needed.
He pulls in a shaky breath, shooting Steve a tiny, sad smile. ]
You stuck in the 'feel like hell' part right now, too?
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A short nod, the smile matched as well. He shakes his head, looking down with furrowed brows for a short moment. ]
... you feel like getting outta here for a bit? [ Glancing up again, his head tilted. As much as you can try to comfort your broodmates, it gets to the point where you're only echoing grief back and forth. He could use an hour or two to surface from those murky waters where you can't tell whose pain belongs to which person. ]
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Still, his relief grows a little at Steve's suggestion. ]
Hell yeah, sound pretty damn good right now. [ Sam's already been in touch with his broodmates - but it's just his two teenagers now, with Bucky and Gio out and Parker so damn determined to cut herself off from them, and Sam hates bleeding on them. He could use a little distance. ] Got anywhere in mind?