[Bucky realizes he's done something wrong far too late. He's spent most of his time on the Waypoint with Sam and since the robbery they've been deeper in each others' heads than ever. And, if Bucky's shields were bad in the past, they're worse now. The momentum between him and Steve changes, from leading to following, from easygoing to tense. Steve's end of the connection is quiet and Bucky can't help but feel like he's disappointed his friend.
Once out of the thoroughfare, Bucky speaks up, not wanting to let this hang.]
I asked him to. [The promise, he means. After Concordia. After returning and feeling more helpless than ever.]
[ Steve's gaze drops to the ground, shoulders hunching forward. ]
I know. [ He's not angry at Sam, or Bucky. He pulls in a deep breath, shaking his head as he exhales and some of the tension falls from his shoulders. And when he's sure that his thoughts are clear, he lowers the shields and widens the connection between them again, just enough for a thin stream: the sense of coming home after a long day's work, the shock of bad news, the frustration of being helpless to act. His jaw tightens. ]
Wasn't sure how long I'd been asleep. [ What I'd wake up to. How much time had passed. Who would be gone.
I don't want to lose you is what he struggles to say. And he won't pretend to be okay with this promise Bucky had Sam make, the thought of them going through with it makes him want to scream at them, but he knows that's not right either. ]
[Bucky follows Steve's gaze down to the pavement, unsure of how to move or what to say. Part of him wants to tell Steve that he's not the Bucky from the past, that he's dangerous, that anyone in their right mind would lock him up or execute him. He's a killer, a criminal, and nothing like the charmer he's seen in pieces of Steve's memories. If he was, they wouldn't be having this conversation.
The helplessness, though, he can understand, to feel like everyone around him is moving so fast when he's standing still. Combined with keeping a death pact secret would frustrate anyone, including Steve.
Instead of saying anything, he flits through his memories for the argument the day after, when Sam was pissed and Bucky was a coward.]
(You're not a coward. ) [ Conviction tinged with frustration hums across the line again, and he lifts his eyes to watch Bucky. Another pause. ]
(If you need space, that's one thing. You leaving to protect us - or asking Sam to make you that promise -) [ He shakes his head, shutting his eyes for a second. ] (- you aren't sparing us from anything.)
[ He meets Bucky's memories with his own, the three men at the Bearings on Concordia from Steve's perspective, the comfort and ease he felt from their presence, the irreplaceable sense of belonging in that moment on another planet that has little to do with a past Bucky doesn't fully remember or a future Steve never lived. ]
[When Steve looks up at him, Bucky doesn't return the favor. Instead, he keeps his gaze down, but he doesn't need to see Steve's face to feel the thrum of his conviction. It reverberates over the link, echoing around in the empty space in Bucky's head rather than sinking in. Like rainwater on asphalt, the sentiment splashes everywhere but doesn't soak in.
Memories bubble over the link, full of warmth and contentment, and Bucky bites his lip. He doesn't want to take that away from Steve.
So he doesn't say anything at all, though he can't exactly hide the fact that he doesn't believe Steve.]
[ He goes quiet again for a few minutes, biting his tongue and continuing to let the memory of those feelings echo across the link mingling with rough threads of frustration and stubborn metal links. ]
You don't have to believe me. It's the truth. [ He wouldn't let it stand if it were anyone else calling Bucky Barnes a coward. ]
[Truth is a strange thing, in Bucky's mind. What's true for one person is false for another; what someone believes to be absolute, is subjective to his fellow. The fact is that he ran from the pet store, to protect Sam and the rest of the Nest and to protect himself from the guilt of the death he caused. No amount of stewing can replace the lives he took and no amount of believing in truth will absolve him.
Yet, he tries to shutter himself in--- to keep Steve out--- and pushes up mental walls he should have built before looking for Steve, before spilling everything onto his friend without warning.
This isn't Concordia. Things have happened here that shouldn't.]
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Once out of the thoroughfare, Bucky speaks up, not wanting to let this hang.]
I asked him to. [The promise, he means. After Concordia. After returning and feeling more helpless than ever.]
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I know. [ He's not angry at Sam, or Bucky. He pulls in a deep breath, shaking his head as he exhales and some of the tension falls from his shoulders. And when he's sure that his thoughts are clear, he lowers the shields and widens the connection between them again, just enough for a thin stream: the sense of coming home after a long day's work, the shock of bad news, the frustration of being helpless to act. His jaw tightens. ]
Wasn't sure how long I'd been asleep. [ What I'd wake up to. How much time had passed. Who would be gone.
I don't want to lose you is what he struggles to say. And he won't pretend to be okay with this promise Bucky had Sam make, the thought of them going through with it makes him want to scream at them, but he knows that's not right either. ]
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The helplessness, though, he can understand, to feel like everyone around him is moving so fast when he's standing still. Combined with keeping a death pact secret would frustrate anyone, including Steve.
Instead of saying anything, he flits through his memories for the argument the day after, when Sam was pissed and Bucky was a coward.]
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( If you need space, that's one thing. You leaving to protect us - or asking Sam to make you that promise - ) [ He shakes his head, shutting his eyes for a second. ] ( - you aren't sparing us from anything. )
[ He meets Bucky's memories with his own, the three men at the Bearings on Concordia from Steve's perspective, the comfort and ease he felt from their presence, the irreplaceable sense of belonging in that moment on another planet that has little to do with a past Bucky doesn't fully remember or a future Steve never lived. ]
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Memories bubble over the link, full of warmth and contentment, and Bucky bites his lip. He doesn't want to take that away from Steve.
So he doesn't say anything at all, though he can't exactly hide the fact that he doesn't believe Steve.]
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You don't have to believe me. It's the truth. [ He wouldn't let it stand if it were anyone else calling Bucky Barnes a coward. ]
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Yet, he tries to shutter himself in--- to keep Steve out--- and pushes up mental walls he should have built before looking for Steve, before spilling everything onto his friend without warning.
This isn't Concordia. Things have happened here that shouldn't.]